Today I was tested for Coronovirus. I cannot begin to tell you how scared I am. I have been out of the house precisely twice in the past month, once for a walk with my husband a son ( that almost sent me into a nervous breakdown) and in the car on Sunday to collect the shopping – hands free collection. Neither of those occasion have I come into contact with anyone. In fact the thought of coming in near proximity to anyone makes me feel physically sick and sends me into a panic. I have helped my husband to put away the shopping after wiping each item with anti bacterial wipes whilst wearing gloves and then washing my hands a lot. We wipe down every surface anything could have come into contact with and as soon as my husband gets in from doing any shopping he changes his clothes.
So I have literally no idea why I have possible Coronovirus.
Two days ago I came down with a really sore throat and headache, not really thinking much of it, but stayed away from my family just in case. That night I developed a fever, not too high but unusual for me so I took paracetamol to help. The next day I started to feel a tickle in my throat like I needed to cough, and since then the cough has steadily got worse. A dry cough but it also hurts my throat and chest when I cough.
I know I am extremely lucky to have had a test. Due to my dad being an essential worker I was able to get a test today.
Let me tell you its not pleasant, especially if you have a gag reflex. You have to swab the back of your throat and tonsils, as well as up your nose, as far as you can. Not nice.
The fear, that I feel of having Coronovirus is overwhelming. It is why i’m sat in my bed isolated in my room writing this at 1 am because I am too afraid to go to sleep. Afraid that I wont wake up, that my heart will give out, or I will suffocate. Only two days ago I was about to get in the shower when I had a very sudden very severe panic attack. My throat felt like it was closing up, like I couldn’t breathe I was so scared, I had to keep telling myself it was OK that actually I could breathe. Now though because I am coughing and I do not know if my symptoms will progress, I keep fearing that I will think I’m just having a panic attack when actually I really cant breathe and it will be too late.
Having OCD around contamination and then actually developing Coronovirus is a worst case scenario. I literally feel the anxiety constantly waiting to pounce ready to claw at me until I’m in shreds. It never leaves, and as much as I try to think rationally I am finding it increasingly difficult to believe what I tell myself. It feels like an impossible feat.
I hope, wish, beg that it comes back negative but I will try to prepare myself and think of strategies to keep calm to avoid making things even worse.
When you hear about Coronovirus on the news it is easy to feel detached from the reality, but it is a stark reminder that it can affect anyone, anywhere no matter how careful you are. Keep those you love safe in whatever way you can, hold them tight because you can never know how long those you love will be with you.
I know I will not take for granted the loved ones I have in my life again.