New year, new start.

2020 has been a year that no one will forget, a year of loss, of struggle and of anxiety for everyone. I have been thinking alot on this today of a year that seems to have disappeared in the blink of an eye. Now that 2020 is over what will my new years resolutions be, for 2021? Well, short answer there won’t be any. Every year I make a list of new years resolutions and every year I know I will break them. I want this year to have a more positive start and so I think back to the good things this year has bought to my family. We finally moved into a house, I discovered a new hobby and I went to group therapy for OCD. I got to spend more time with my husband and I wrote two children’s books. Although it feels like I have not achieved much this year, I have my family and my health and that is more than so many. I know I am lucky.

Back to my new year’s resolutions, and although there won’t be any, I instead want to focus on the long term changes I need to make and focus on how I can bring them about. The main focus of this coming year is to bring my anxiety and OCD to a more managable level. There is no set goal for how many times I wash, or the number panic attacks I will have to measure success. More so how I feel, in myself. Right now the anxiety is so overwhelming and I’m always exhausted. Intrusive thoughts are a near daily struggle and depression makes it difficult to feel hopeful. I can no longer count how many times I wash in a day its so many. Dry, cracked bleeding hands covered in cuts with the constant sting that I’m used to. To reduce this in any capacity would count as success to me and that is my goal.

I have always struggled with my self image and self confidence, they say you need to love yourself first, well I can’t say that I do. However I want to learn to accept the parts of myself that I hate to really try to embrace them. To alleviate some of the self loathing and self doubt that clouds my mind, that the depression can feed from.

What this year has taught me is that it is OK to struggle, that you are not alone. Even if you feel you achieved nothing you can look back at your darkest moments and say I survived.

Here’s to a hopeful 2021. Happy New year everyone x


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