Today sucked, there’s no other way to put it. It was just one if those day where you have a complete mental breakdown. I was at women’s wellbeing group at the local church and some one was talking about their career, and it just hit me. The knowledge that I was useless. I don’t work due to the severity of my OCD, there’s nothing I contribute, and I’m a terrible parent to my son and the feelings I got, completely overwhelmed me. As the tear streamed down my face, I felt the need explain to the lady why I don’t work and what OCD was and what it had stole from me. I literally couldn’t stop crying. it rehashed some of my deepest insecurities. That my husband and son were better off without me, and that they deserve better. Everyone was supportive and said lovely things but it doesn’t change the unshakeable feeling that I am a worthless, useless person, who has no talent and nothing to offer. I had a really good cry and the weight lifted from my shoulder’s slightly leaving me hollow.
I want to do something with my life. I’m trying to decide whether or not to join a creative writing course at my local university, just a short course. Writing is something I’m passionate about even if I’m not good at it. At least this would give me something to focus on . I wish I knew if it would make a difference to the depression I’m feeling.
I want to try to get better, but recovery is a long tough road and one I’ve been on for 15 years already. I’m keeping my fingers crossed that this time will be different.